Judy’s Story
They would have been married 50 years in November 2010, but her husband passed away in August. While he was receiving care in Hospice & Palliative Care of Northeastern Illinois’ (HPNI) Pepper Family Hospice Home, the family held a 50th wedding anniversary celebration for Judy and Ken. About 30 family and friends celebrated in Ken’s room at the Hospice Home. “It was nice to be in the facility because anyone could come at anytime, and even our nine grandchildren could visit and run around,” said Judy.
In the first few weeks after Ken’s death, Judy had a large amount of support from her family and friends. However, she said it was amazing how fast people “slowly disappear” and get back to their normal lives.
Judy started attending HPNI’s six-week “Loss of Spouse” group on Friday mornings. It was a small group of four to five individuals. The first few times she went to the group, it was hard, but it gave her enough hope to go on. She said that the people in the group “got it.” They understood what she was going through. “In the beginning, (after his death) it is the most horrible thing you can ever imagine. You feel physically ill. It feels like there is a knife in your heart.”
Judy had lived almost 50 years with her husband Ken. When he got sick near the end, taking care of him became her entire life. After that, she asked herself, “What is my life now?” She remembers one of the grief counselors telling the group that they need to develop a “new” normal.
After the group ended, Judy continued to get together with two of the other ladies from the group who were in similar places in their grief journey. They would talk and support each other every Friday morning. “We often comfort each other by reminding ourselves that we’re gonna make it,” she said.
Judy also started meeting with one of HPNI’s bereavement counselors in December 2010—shortly after the group ended. The one-on-one was helpful. “The grief journey is a roller coaster…one week you’re good, the next week it’s the worst week of your life. You realize there will never again be a moment in your life that will be the same as it was.” Her counselor helped give her direction and encouraged her to journal about her feelings.
After the “Loss of Spouse” group, the regular Friday morning meetings with her friends, and weekly meetings with the bereavement counselor (that have now become monthly), Judy feels as if there has been a gradual ‘lifting’ of the pain. She doesn’t cry everyday anymore. She has learned that every little thing she does to deal with it, helps her along her journey. “Eventually, you gain hope and realize that life does go on,” she said.
Advice Judy would give to the newly bereaved would be, “Don’t try to do it alone. You can’t go around grief. You can’t go under grief. You have to walk through it.” Hospice and Palliative Care of Northeastern Illinois’ grief support program helped her do that.
The Barrington Area United Way has supported HPNI’s bereavement program for more than 20 years. Because of this ongoing funding, HPNI has been able to expand and evolve the program to meet the needs of the community. One of which is the HERE in Barrington community coalition that is working to educate teachers, social workers, parents, and other community members to identify problems; how to deal with them; and prevent potential tragedies.
This past year, the Barrington Area United Way began funding HPNI’s new palliative care program, that provides physician and advance practice nursing support (in a home setting) to individuals with a chronic-life limiting illness, at any stage of the disease, who may still be seeking curative treatments. Palliative care is one of the American Medical Association’s newest medical subspecialties.
The Barrington Area United Way and Hospice & Palliative Care of Northeastern Illinois are partnering to create meaningful change in lives of many in our communities.